The Seventh Day of Adulting: Boundaries with Family & Protecting Your Peace
On the Seventh Day of Adulting, my therapist gave to me… Boundaries with Family and Protecting Your Peace.
The holiday season often brings a mix of joy and stress, especially when it comes to spending time with family. Navigating familial relationships during this festive time can be both rewarding and challenging. Setting healthy boundaries with family as an adult becomes crucial for protecting your peace and well-being.
Setting Clear Communication Channels
Establishing healthy boundaries starts with clear communication. Clearly express your availability, preferences, and limitations to your family members. Whether it's about the duration of your visit, your need for personal space, or any specific triggers, open and honest dialogue is key.
Here are some examples of clear communication you can try with family over the holidays:
Duration of Visit: "I'm excited to spend time with everyone, but I can only stay for a day. I have some work commitments to attend to."
Note here that when communicating about the duration of your visit, you don’t owe an explanation. Share only what you’re comfortable with sharing, and know it’s okay to be a “broken record” and continue to repeat your script.
Need for Personal Space: "I value our time together, and I've realized I recharge better when I have some personal space. I hope you understand if I take some time alone during our stay."
Trigger Awareness: "I've been working on my mental health, and certain topics can be triggering for me. It would mean a lot if we could steer clear of those conversations during the holidays."
We’ve even seen some families using “boundary place cards,” letting each member of the family write out what they’d prefer to not be asked about and set these at their places at the table.
Technology Usage: "I've noticed that I feel more present and connected when I limit screen time. Let's try to keep phones away during meals and focus on enjoying each other's company."
Gift Exchanges: "I appreciate the thoughtfulness behind gifts, but I'd prefer to keep things simple this year. How about we focus on creating memories instead of exchanging presents?"
Socializing Expectations: "I'm really looking forward to spending quality time, but I also need some downtime to recharge. Let's plan some activities, but I might take a quiet evening for myself."
Food or Body Talk: “To make this holiday season enjoyable for me, I'd appreciate it if we could be mindful of discussions around diets, weight, or food judgments.”
Handling Sensitive Topics: "I've been working on my mental health, and discussing certain topics can be challenging for me. Can we all be mindful of that and choose conversations that uplift?"
Remember, it’s helpful to communicate with respect and empathy. Open and honest conversations can lead to better understanding and a more harmonious holiday experience. However, we know that even when we use our healthiest communication skills, we can’t guarantee how family members may respond.
Dealing with Violated Boundaries:
Despite our best efforts, there might be instances where our set boundaries are unintentionally crossed. If this happens, it's crucial to address the situation calmly and assertively. For instance, if a family member brings up a sensitive topic despite your request, you can say something like, "I appreciate our time together, but I've asked to keep certain topics off the table. Can we please respect those boundaries to make our holiday gathering enjoyable for everyone?"
In cases where boundaries are consistently violated, it might be necessary to have a more explicit conversation after the event. Communicate your feelings and express why the boundary is crucial for your well-being. If the issue persists, consider seeking support from friends, therapists, or support groups to navigate the emotional aftermath. It can be helpful to have a plan to step away or leave when needed.
Remember, setting boundaries is an ongoing process, and it's okay to reassess and adjust as needed. Your well-being is a priority, and communicating that with kindness and assertiveness is a powerful act of self-care.
The Challenge of Family Dynamics
For those with a history of trauma or attachment wounds related to family, setting boundaries can be particularly challenging. It's essential to recognize and validate your emotions. Seek support from friends, or consider therapy to navigate these complex emotions. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your mental health, even if it means choosing not to spend time with family during the holidays.
Contact us to learn more about therapy with Crescent Counseling, and learn more about how Amanda works with trauma, including through Brainspotting and through the Safe and Sound Protocol.
Embracing the Okay-ness of Not Okay
Sometimes, it's okay not to be okay with family dynamics. For various reasons, individuals may choose not to spend the holidays with their family. Whether it's due to personal healing, boundary violations, or simply preferring a quieter celebration, embracing your decision is empowering. Remember, your well-being is the priority.
Coping Strategies for Emotional Wellness
When faced with challenging family dynamics during the holidays, having a toolbox of coping skills for emotion and nervous system regulation is essential. Here are some of our favorite techniques to help you navigate triggering moments and maintain your emotional wellness:
Deep Breathing Exercises:
Box Breathing: Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat as needed to calm the nervous system.
Diaphragmatic Breathing: Focus on deep belly breaths to engage the diaphragm, promoting relaxation.
Grounding Techniques:
5-4-3-2-1 Exercise: Acknowledge five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste to bring yourself into the present moment.
Mindful Walking: Take a stroll and pay attention to the sensation of each step, grounding yourself in the physical experience.
Somatic and Movement-Based Exercises:
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Systematically tense and release muscle groups to release physical tension.
Yoga or Stretching: Engage in gentle movements to release pent-up energy and promote a sense of calm.
Self-Compassion Practices:
Loving-Kindness Meditation: Direct positive and loving thoughts towards yourself and others to cultivate compassion.
Positive Affirmations: Repeat affirmations that reinforce your worth and resilience.
Creative Outlets:
Journaling: Write down your feelings and reflections to process emotions.
Art or Music: Express yourself through creative mediums as an outlet for emotional release.
Remember, everyone's coping style is unique, so explore what resonates with you. Having these tools at your disposal can empower you to maintain emotional balance and navigate family interactions with greater resilience.
Check out Amanda’s blog on EFT Tapping for thoughts on tapping as a coping skill.
Prioritizing Self-Care
Setting boundaries is a profound act of self-care, a way of expressing love and compassion towards yourself and others. Think of your boundaries as a protective embrace around your inner child—a safeguard against unnecessary stress, anxiety, and potential triggers that could reopen old wounds. Just as you would shield a child from harm, boundaries shield your vulnerable aspects, preserving your emotional well-being.
In the context of family gatherings, establishing and maintaining boundaries is an expression of self-love. It's a recognition that your needs and feelings are valid, and it's okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health. By doing so, you create a safe space for your inner child, allowing them to experience the holiday season without the weight of past traumas.
Moreover, boundaries contribute to healthier relationships. They communicate your values and expectations clearly, fostering an environment where everyone's needs are acknowledged and respected. By modeling healthy boundary-setting, you inspire others to reflect on their own boundaries and, in turn, contribute to a more supportive and understanding family dynamic. In essence, boundaries become a nurturing force, guiding you through the holidays with grace and self-compassion.
Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Create a self-care plan that includes activities you enjoy and moments of solitude. Remember, healthy boundaries with family contribute to a more peaceful and fulfilling holiday season.
