Summer Relationship Mixtape: Your Therapist’s Insights on Songs About Dating and Friendships
Welcome back to the Summer Relationship Mixtape series from your therapists here at Crescent Counseling in Dallas, TX!
This time, we’re taking a look at Sabrina Carpenter’s track "Please Please Please." This song resonates deeply with the complexities of loving someone who might not always make the best decisions. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship or a friendship, the themes of affection, frustration, and concern impact many of us.
As therapists, we see these dynamics play out in various ways with our clients, and Sabrina Carpenter’s lyrics provide a catchy backdrop for exploring these challenges.
How your therapist understands “Please Please Please”
In "Please Please Please," Sabrina Carpenter seems to capture the rollercoaster of emotions that come with caring deeply for someone who often finds themselves in difficult situations. The lyrics reveal a desire to protect the relationship and maintain pride, despite the frustrations that arise from watching someone you care about do things such as engage in risky behaviors, neglect their personal health, make poor financial decisions, make unhealthy relationship choices, or make irresponsible career choices. Experiencing a mix of love and concern is something many of us can relate to, whether we’re dealing with a partner, a close friend, or even a family member.
Navigating concerns in romantic relationships
Romantic relationships often bring out our protective instincts. We want the best for our partners and sometimes find ourselves frustrated when they make decisions that seem counterproductive or harmful. Sabrina Carpenter’s song speaks to this desire to shield a loved one from their own mistakes, while also grappling with the impact their choices have on the relationship.
For example, the lyrics "I hate seeing you like this, but I can't look away" encapsulate the conflict between wanting to support a partner and feeling helpless in the face of their actions. In both individual therapy and couples counseling, we often explore how to balance this protective instinct with respecting our partner’s autonomy. It’s about finding ways to communicate our concerns without undermining their independence.
Friendships and boundaries
The themes in "Please Please Please" are just as relevant in friendships. Loving a friend who consistently makes poor decisions can be incredibly taxing. We might feel responsible for their well-being and struggle to set boundaries that protect our own mental health.
As therapists, we encourage our clients to recognize the importance of boundaries in these situations. It’s essential to communicate openly with friends about how their actions affect you and to set limits that preserve your emotional energy. The lyrics "Please, please, please, don’t make me choose between my pride and you" highlight the internal tug-of-war many of us face in these scenarios.
Emotions in relationships
Sabrina Carpenter’s song also addresses the simultaneous feelings of affection and frustration. It’s normal to feel both deeply connected to and exasperated by someone we care about. This duality can create tension in relationships, but it’s also an opportunity for growth.
In therapy, we work on acknowledging these feelings without judgment. It’s okay to love someone and feel frustrated with them at the same time. The key is to express these emotions constructively, ensuring that the relationship can withstand and grow from these moments of friction.
Whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family member, here are some ways to communicate your concerns without undermining your loved one’s independence.
1. Use "I" Statements
Saying things like “you always make bad decisions” communicates criticism about the other person’s actions and often results in defensiveness. Instead, try framing your concerns with "I" statements. For example, "I feel worried when you don't call to let me know you're safe." This approach focuses on your feelings and avoids placing blame, which can make your partner, friend, or family member more receptive to hearing your concerns. In our experience, focusing on your feelings through “I” statements can have a much greater impact than more blaming “you” statements.
Bonus: The Gottman Method expands on this concept of using “I” statements in what they call a gentle start-up, which outlines how to most effectively enter into challenging conversations with a positive outcome. Read more about a gentle start-Up here.
2. Active Listening
Show that you are genuinely interested in understanding the other person’s perspective by practicing active listening. This involves:
Giving your full attention when they speak
Nodding or using verbal acknowledgments like "I see" or "That makes sense"
Paraphrasing what they said to ensure you understood correctly ("So what I hear you saying is...")
Helpful tip: adding in your own perspective on the situation minimizes the effectiveness of active listening. Try your best to stay focused on reflecting back what you hear the other person saying about their experience of the situation and how it makes them feel — even if you don’t agree with what they are sharing.
3. Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing and setting can significantly impact how a conversation unfolds. Choose a calm, private time to discuss your concerns, rather than bringing them up during a heated argument or in a public setting. This helps ensure both of you are in a state of mind to have a constructive conversation.
For those with concerns about their romantic partner, couples counseling can provide a safe space for these difficult conversations. Whether you’re dating, engaged, married, or in a long-term relationship, working with a therapist can help cultivate healthy communication skills.
4. Express Empathy
Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and validating their experiences. You might say, "I understand that you're stressed and making decisions under pressure," or "I can see that this situation is really tough for you." This helps the person you care about feel heard and supported, rather than judged.
Try practicing a Loving-Kindness meditation before your conversation to help set an intention of compassion towards yourself and the other person. It can also help to practice making the most generous interpretations about your loved one’s behaviors instead of less generous interpretations. Assume the best in them unless they’ve given you reason to believe otherwise. Orient toward cues of safety. These practices may allow you to approach the conversation from a place of emotional regulation instead of activation.
5. Offer Support, Not Solutions
Instead of immediately offering solutions, ask how you can support them. Questions like "What can I do to help?" or "How can we work through this together?" show that you are there to support them without taking control of the situation.
6. Focus on Common Goals
Remind the person that you are on the same team by highlighting common goals. For instance, "We both want to make sure we're financially stable," or "We both care about each other's well-being." This reinforces that your concerns come from a place of mutual interest and shared values.
7. Set Boundaries for Yourself
While it's important to express your concerns, it's equally vital to set boundaries for your own well-being. Clearly communicate what behaviors you find unacceptable and the steps you will take to protect yourself if necessary. For example, "I can't support you financially if you continue to gamble, and I will need to reassess our living situation if it continues."
8. Practice Patience and Compassion
Change takes time, and it's important to practice patience and compassion both for yourself and your partner, friend, or family member. Acknowledge that it may take multiple conversations to fully address your concerns and that setbacks are part of the process.
By implementing these strategies, you can communicate your concerns in a way that respects the other person’s autonomy and fosters a healthier, more supportive relationship. Remember, the goal is to create an environment where both individuals feel heard, respected, and valued.
